The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."

First date? Offer to split the check. If she says no, she's the check's mother.

I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.

The earlier we start Christmas, the more likely Jesus will be born dangerously premature.

For me, the hardest part of the driving test was escaping before the car filled with ocean water.

Just decided to spend my life's savings on a claw machine specifically designed to remove this bartender's bowler hat.

Don't be the loser that just hovers by the snack table. Be the maniac that lives under it.​

Sometimes I wonder what extra would play me in a movie about my life.​

My ex-girlfriend did this thing where all the gumballs in her transparent plastic head holy shit I just realized something.​

The best part about having an empty seat next to you on a plane is not having to hold your party sub vertically.

I'll not only eat at a restaurant alone, I'll hang a banner that says "Happy Birthday" and stare at the door all night.

I forgot you're not allowed to pre-board just because you want to leave a trail of rose petals for the other passengers.

Was halfway through my answer before she repeated herself and said, "No, WHY do you get your ideas?"

My Easter Eggs are easy to find, but then the children have 30 seconds to defuse them.

Love those moments when you think you'll never be funny again but then out of nowhere come up with a joke that confirms it.

Does it still count if you don't have "organ donor" on your license but you do have it airbrushed on the hood of your car?

Ladies, if a guy on a dating app describes himself as a "CEO," he will definitely be selling you nutritional supplements out of a backpack.