The Onion

Headlines for "America's Finest News Source" require the same attention to selecting the right words and organizing them correctly that's required to craft punchy, persuasive copy. One poor decision can be the difference between your joke being showcased to millions of readers and dying silently in a pitch meeting with everyone wondering how you got hired in the first place.

Headlines With Stories

Headlines

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
Legion Of Terra-Cotta Mouseketeers Found Beneath Disney World
Worker’s Sole Impact On Company Permanent Ban On Alcohol At Holiday Party
Cat That Spends Life On One Of Two Couch Cushions Given Rabies Vaccine
Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples
Heart Transplant Group Significantly Healthier Than Heart Transplant Placebo Group
Scientific Community Baffled By Man Whose Waist 32 With Some Pants, 33 With Others
Study: 89 Percent Of Networking Non-Consensual
Activists Release Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Stroller Recalled After Manufacturer Discovers Branding Not Visible Enough
Serial Killer’s Taunts Mailed To Dollar Tree Where Old Police Station Used To Be
NASA Wondering How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission And It Didn’t Go So Hot
Remington Introduces Ammunition For Sensitive Skin
North Dakota Constructs Billion-Dollar Stadium Just In Case Some NFL Franchise Gets Desperate
Custody Arrangement Leaves Wednesdays For Child To Wander Around Entirely On Own
Solemn Jeff Bezos Realizes He Could End Up Homeless If Just Few Hundred Thousand Things Go Wrong
World's Wealthy Call For Removal Of Stars Obstructing View Of Universe
Armed Teacher Rehearses Shooting Wall, Gunman, 3 Students During Active Shooter Drill
New Smoke Detector Only Alerts You If You’ve Got Decent Shot Of Getting Out Alive
6-Year-Old Didn’t Cause Parents’ Divorce But Didn’t Exactly Step Up To Prevent It Either

Man Spends 7 Terrifying Minutes Neither Ingesting Nor Excreting
Delta Launches Alumni Magazine For People Who Flew Airline Previously
Noncompete Clause In Lease Bars Tenant From Living Anywhere Else For 90 Days After Moving Out
Report: Life Put In Hands Of 2,000 Complete Strangers Every Single Day
Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Crossbreeze
Florida Celebrates One Billionth Varicose Vein
Elderly Man Hailed As Alert
Date’s Flaws Coming At Woman Faster Than She Can Rationalize Them
School Surprised To Learn Student Committed Suicide Due To Pressures Of Intro To Communications
Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper
God Hinting At Retirement
Hitchhiker With Machete, Driver With Machete Can't Help But Laugh
Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort
Local 11-Year-Old Savoring Week Between Being Bullied At School, Bullied At Camp
Police Finally Throw Out Old, Embarrassing Evidence From ’80s
Guy At Halloween Party Drops Hundreds On Fancy Pirate Costume He'll Wear Maybe 50 Times A Year
Lifeguard Would Save Drowning Man, But Who Is He To Play God?
Man Waiting Until Parents Die Before Doing Single Thing That Makes Him Happy
School District Waives Sex-Ed Curriculum For Students Who Look Like They Know What's Up

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son
Night Out Thrown Off-Balance By Friend Unexpectedly Bringing Someone
Program Trains Firefighters To Verbally De-Escalate Flames Before Putting Them Out
Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents
Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director’s Driveway
Post Office Extends Hours Until 3 AM To Attract Late-Night Bar Crowd
Man Ready To End Date Kind Of Mad Woman Also Ready To End Date
Loser Senior Takes Loser Freshman Under Wing
Sign Warns Visitors Not To Enter Gorilla Habitat Unless They Also Gorilla
Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor
Enchanting Evening Spent With Parents, Friends Of Parents
Prison Warden Sadistic But Fair
Saudi Women Receive Husbands' Explicit Permission To Celebrate Right To Vote
Heroic Pickles Holding Lid Shut From Inside
Elderly Man Feeling Useless In Retirement Wishes He Could Go Back To Feeling Useless At Work
New Black Wristbands Designated For Visitors Condemned To Spend Eternity At Water Park
Divorcing Parents Assure Anxious Kids That Dog Still Loves Them
Pop-Up National Park Offers 500 Square Feet Of Pristine Wilderness For Next Two Days
Man Concerned That Doctor Wants To Discuss Test Results At Morgue Rather Than Over Phone
Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds

Bailiff Can't Help Wondering What Life Would Be Like On Other Side Of Judge

States Quietly Raising Speed Limits Near Failing Schools

College Accepts Safety Student In Case Top Choices Don’t Work Out
Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low
Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies
Casinos Getting People To Play Longer By Telling Them Rest Of Civilization Destroyed
Mood Of Sex Dungeon Undercut By Sight Of Plug-In Air Freshener
Study Finds Just Three Minutes Of Daily Exercise Only 27 Minutes Short Of Being Useful
Unlikely Animal Friendship Torn Apart Over Election
Casket To Be Closed Except For Mourners Who Want To See Something Really Crazy
Bar Band To Pay Dearly For Slipping In Original Song
Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting
Experts Say It Technically Not Too Late To Change Careers At 50 Though They Sure As Fuck Wouldn't Try It
Many States Now Providing Special Disposal Bin For Cursed Artifacts
Newly Discovered Scrolls Suggest Jesus Devoured Twin Messiah In Womb
5 Pounds Of Dreams Drained From Large Brain Abscess
Widow Finally Ready To Get Out There And Outlive Someone New
Customer Not Going To Complain In Case He Accidentally Did Order Sandwich With Band-Aid In It
Bose Unveils New Wireless Headphones Designed To Remain In Ear During Transformation Into Werewolf
Report: Average American Must Have Life Ruined By Natural Disaster Every 6 Minutes To Fear Climate Change
Car Ride Devoted To Explaining What Things Will Be Different About Grandma This Visit
Yellowstone National Park Installs Convenient Charging Stations In Dozens Of Bison