The Onion
Headlines for "America's Finest News Source" require the same attention to selecting the right words and organizing them correctly that's required to craft punchy, persuasive copy. One poor decision can be the difference between your joke being showcased to millions of readers and dying silently in a pitch meeting with everyone wondering how you got hired in the first place.
Headlines With Stories
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No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
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Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
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New Law Requires Welfare Recipients To Submit Sweat To Prove How Hard They’re Looking For Job
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Mom, I Want You To Meet The Girl Who Will One Day Make Me Put You In A Nursing Home
Headlines
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Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be
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Legion Of Terra-Cotta Mouseketeers Found Beneath Disney World
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Worker’s Sole Impact On Company Permanent Ban On Alcohol At Holiday Party
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Cat That Spends Life On One Of Two Couch Cushions Given Rabies Vaccine
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Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples
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Heart Transplant Group Significantly Healthier Than Heart Transplant Placebo Group
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Scientific Community Baffled By Man Whose Waist 32 With Some Pants, 33 With Others
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Study: 89 Percent Of Networking Non-Consensual
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Activists Release Horrifying Video Showing How Meat Products Are Eaten
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CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
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Stroller Recalled After Manufacturer Discovers Branding Not Visible Enough
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Serial Killer’s Taunts Mailed To Dollar Tree Where Old Police Station Used To Be
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NASA Wondering How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission And It Didn’t Go So Hot
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Remington Introduces Ammunition For Sensitive Skin
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North Dakota Constructs Billion-Dollar Stadium Just In Case Some NFL Franchise Gets Desperate
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Custody Arrangement Leaves Wednesdays For Child To Wander Around Entirely On Own
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Solemn Jeff Bezos Realizes He Could End Up Homeless If Just Few Hundred Thousand Things Go Wrong
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World's Wealthy Call For Removal Of Stars Obstructing View Of Universe
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Armed Teacher Rehearses Shooting Wall, Gunman, 3 Students During Active Shooter Drill
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New Smoke Detector Only Alerts You If You’ve Got Decent Shot Of Getting Out Alive
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6-Year-Old Didn’t Cause Parents’ Divorce But Didn’t Exactly Step Up To Prevent It Either
Kamikaze Swimmers Finally Reach Pearl Harbor
Bodybuilder Can’t Believe He Forgot To Develop Right Arm
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Man Spends 7 Terrifying Minutes Neither Ingesting Nor Excreting
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Delta Launches Alumni Magazine For People Who Flew Airline Previously
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Noncompete Clause In Lease Bars Tenant From Living Anywhere Else For 90 Days After Moving Out
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Report: Life Put In Hands Of 2,000 Complete Strangers Every Single Day
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Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Crossbreeze
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Florida Celebrates One Billionth Varicose Vein
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Elderly Man Hailed As Alert
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Date’s Flaws Coming At Woman Faster Than She Can Rationalize Them
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School Surprised To Learn Student Committed Suicide Due To Pressures Of Intro To Communications
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Dad Way Scarier When Controlling Temper
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God Hinting At Retirement
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Hitchhiker With Machete, Driver With Machete Can't Help But Laugh
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Man Pushing Self To Point Of Effort
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Local 11-Year-Old Savoring Week Between Being Bullied At School, Bullied At Camp
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Police Finally Throw Out Old, Embarrassing Evidence From ’80s
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Guy At Halloween Party Drops Hundreds On Fancy Pirate Costume He'll Wear Maybe 50 Times A Year
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Lifeguard Would Save Drowning Man, But Who Is He To Play God?
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Man Waiting Until Parents Die Before Doing Single Thing That Makes Him Happy
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School District Waives Sex-Ed Curriculum For Students Who Look Like They Know What's Up
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Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son
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Night Out Thrown Off-Balance By Friend Unexpectedly Bringing Someone
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Program Trains Firefighters To Verbally De-Escalate Flames Before Putting Them Out
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Visit Home Referred To As Vacation By Parents
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Greyhound Now Offering Direct Service From Kansas To L.A. Porn Director’s Driveway
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Post Office Extends Hours Until 3 AM To Attract Late-Night Bar Crowd
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Man Ready To End Date Kind Of Mad Woman Also Ready To End Date
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Loser Senior Takes Loser Freshman Under Wing
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Sign Warns Visitors Not To Enter Gorilla Habitat Unless They Also Gorilla
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Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor
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Enchanting Evening Spent With Parents, Friends Of Parents
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Prison Warden Sadistic But Fair
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Saudi Women Receive Husbands' Explicit Permission To Celebrate Right To Vote
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Heroic Pickles Holding Lid Shut From Inside
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Elderly Man Feeling Useless In Retirement Wishes He Could Go Back To Feeling Useless At Work
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New Black Wristbands Designated For Visitors Condemned To Spend Eternity At Water Park
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Divorcing Parents Assure Anxious Kids That Dog Still Loves Them
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Pop-Up National Park Offers 500 Square Feet Of Pristine Wilderness For Next Two Days
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Man Concerned That Doctor Wants To Discuss Test Results At Morgue Rather Than Over Phone
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Powerful Rest And Fluids Industry Influencing Doctors' Treatment Of Colds
Bailiff Can't Help Wondering What Life Would Be Like On Other Side Of Judge
States Quietly Raising Speed Limits Near Failing Schools
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College Accepts Safety Student In Case Top Choices Don’t Work Out
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Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low
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Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies
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Casinos Getting People To Play Longer By Telling Them Rest Of Civilization Destroyed
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Mood Of Sex Dungeon Undercut By Sight Of Plug-In Air Freshener
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Study Finds Just Three Minutes Of Daily Exercise Only 27 Minutes Short Of Being Useful
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Unlikely Animal Friendship Torn Apart Over Election
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Casket To Be Closed Except For Mourners Who Want To See Something Really Crazy
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Bar Band To Pay Dearly For Slipping In Original Song
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Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting
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Experts Say It Technically Not Too Late To Change Careers At 50 Though They Sure As Fuck Wouldn't Try It
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Many States Now Providing Special Disposal Bin For Cursed Artifacts
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Newly Discovered Scrolls Suggest Jesus Devoured Twin Messiah In Womb
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5 Pounds Of Dreams Drained From Large Brain Abscess
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Widow Finally Ready To Get Out There And Outlive Someone New
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Customer Not Going To Complain In Case He Accidentally Did Order Sandwich With Band-Aid In It
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Bose Unveils New Wireless Headphones Designed To Remain In Ear During Transformation Into Werewolf
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Report: Average American Must Have Life Ruined By Natural Disaster Every 6 Minutes To Fear Climate Change
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Car Ride Devoted To Explaining What Things Will Be Different About Grandma This Visit
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Yellowstone National Park Installs Convenient Charging Stations In Dozens Of Bison